Hold your Breath and Count to Ten
by FutureFox
Summary: Post-Skyfall. Bond is still dealing with the destruction that Silva caused when a familiar face shows up to help him deal with his grief. Bond & M mother/son angst. Possible Bond/Moneypenny in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Bond shut the door to his new flat behind him. The place was practically empty. He'd hardly had the time or the energy to get his things out of storage. He'd never been the sentimental type and after the destruction of Skyfall and the loss of M, he felt even less inclined to make the new place feel like home than he normally would.

The funeral had been held the day before. He'd stayed back in the shadows. He was good at that. It was where he came from, after all. It was where he belonged. M understood that. She wouldn't have wanted him to make a fuss anyway. Mallory had given a great eulogy. Bond had to admit that Mallory was a good man. He was a worthy successor. He had taken a bullet for her, after all. Not that it had mattered in the end. Bond had failed her anyway. His efforts had been for nothing. Silva was no longer a threat but it had cost M's life.

She was just another in a long list of people he had failed to protect. No, more than that. She was the person who made him into what he was. She had groomed him to be her perfect agent. So much of who he was and what he fought for was wrapped up in her. To have that much identity violently ripped away from him left him freefalling.

He sank down into the sofa. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the events of the last few weeks. He was having little success.

"For God's sake, get ahold of yourself."

Bond's eyes snapped open.

He blinked. He blinked again. He couldn't have been seeing what he was seeing. He knew that. He didn't move, frozen in place.

"Oh, so you're going to ignore me, are you?"

Finally, Bond looked up. There, standing on the other side of the room, dressed as impeccably as always, was M. Her hands were folded in front of her and she was staring at him with her ever critical eye.

"You're not here," he whispered. He closed his eyes again.

"Aren't I?"

"I watched them bury you yesterday."

"And I wrote your obituary two months ago."

"It's different."

"How so?"

"I was there! I felt you go. I know it happened."

No arguments after that one. Bond chanced opening his eyes. He let out a heavy sigh. She was still there. Her lips were pursed in a thin line now and she was studying him intently. This was too much. He was tired, that was all. He had to make her go away and then he needed a long, uninterrupted night's sleep.

"Look, I'm not gonna sit here and argue with my own mind. I'm going to bed and when I wake up, you're gonna be gone."

He stood up from the sofa. He walked right passed her, refusing to spare her a glance.

When he had almost reached the bedroom, she spoke again.

"Quite right. I am dead, unfortunately. I'm not really here at all."

Bond stopped but didn't turn around. "So, why am I seeing you?"

"Well, I suppose because you still need me. Because you're not ready to let go."

He scoffed at that. "I've lost plenty of people that I still needed. Plenty I wasn't ready to let go of. What makes you think you're so bloody special?"

"Obviously you're the one who thinks I am, or I wouldn't be here, would I?"

"I'm going to bed," he started walking away from her again.

"Oh, go on then. If you think a good night's sleep is going to get rid of me, then by all means. We'll see in the morning."

He slammed the bedroom door behind him. He paused for a moment to make sure she wasn't going to appear again. No trace of her as he scanned the room. Without undressing, he crawled into bed and almost instantly fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

M wasn't there when Bond woke up the following morning. Bond cautiously checked his apartment and was relieved to find that he was completely alone. The place was as bare and cold as it had been the day before, minus one dead employer. He knew that all he had needed was some sleep. Once he was satisfied that his brief conversation with a ghost was a onetime occurrence, he showered and dressed himself and headed off to MI6.

The first thing he saw when he opened the office door was Eve Monepenny. She looked up from her desk at the sound of Bond approaching.

"Bond. No one was expecting you."

"An important quality for a 00 Miss Moneypenny."

She rolled her eyes and smiled at him, "seriously. You should take a few more days."

"Is he in?"

Eve looked toward Mallory's office. She hesitated before looking back at Bond. She knew better than most that he could take care of himself through any problem. Hell, she'd shot him off of a bridge and seen him come back alive. She knew he would find his way back again, but she also knew that he wasn't there yet. She had seen his face when he had returned from Scotland and reported that both Silva and M were dead. There was a look in his eyes that she never wanted to see again.

"Bond, maybe now isn't the best time."

"Moneypenny, I can handle him."

"No doubt. But, there's no reason to push yourself."

"You don't get to be a 00 without pushing yourself Miss Moneypenny," Bond said as he walked passed her.

"Wait. I'll tell him you're here. Don't just go barging in there."

Bond gave her a small smile of thanks.

She smiled back as she entered Mallory's office. Bond took his moment alone to take a deep, steadying breath. He would gain nothing from taking time off. What he needed was to bury this, everything he was feeling. He needed to work. Just sitting around, letting her invade his thoughts over and over again, remembering her eyes turning to glass on the floor of that old chapel…that wasn't gonna help him. He'd make Mallory understand that.

Monepenny stepped back out of Mallory's office.

"All right. He'll see you."

"Thanks."

Mallory was seated at his desk, head buried in files. He didn't look up as Bond walked in. He didn't look up as Bond approached his desk. He didn't look up as Bond stared down at him.

"Is this your plan to get me to take time off? Let me stare at you until you say something, sir?"

At that, Mallory did glance up.

"I've already told you to take some time off, 007, my position has not changed."

"I can't just sit at home."

"Then go out. Take up a hobby. Just for a bit," Mallory said, dismissively.

"I'm useful out there," Bond insisted.

Mallory regarded him with sincerity. "I know that. And I know that you'll continue to be useful out there when you're ready. And you're not ready yet. If you ask me, you haven't been since you came back from the dead."

"I took care of Silva."

"After he took care of M."

It took everything in Bond not to react to that. As if he wouldn't have done anything to keep M alive. As if Mallory had any right to comment on the subject.

He kept his voice even as he replied, "worked out well enough for you, didn't it?"

Mallory's eyes went cold. "Watch your tone, Bond. Or you'll be lucky to ever see fieldwork again. Now, you have two options. You can either leave here now and take at least the rest of the week off, or I can have you escorted from the building permanently. I don't care which."

Both men stared each other down for a long time before Bond finally broke.

"Fine. I'll go."

Mallory nodded, "good. And Bond, this isn't a punishment."

Bond didn't respond as he left.

He paced around his flat for the hundredth time. He was restless and frustrated. He'd left MI6 two hours ago and already he was getting cabin fever. He could always travel or at least get out of the house, he knew. But, he knew it wasn't really the flat that was bothering him. He was trapped and no amount of space was going to set him free.

'_Your prison is in here.'_

He remembered when Camille had told him that so many years ago when he was angry and grieving for another lost life.

He finally stopped pacing and leaned against the wall. No, he wouldn't go there. He was in enough pain without digging up past tragedies.

"Oh, so you're back already are you?"

Bond jumped at the sudden voice. He turned around. M was there again. This time she was sitting on the couch, book in hand. His stomach dropped. This couldn't be happening again.

M looked up from her book, her eyebrow raised, "I take it the meeting with Mallory didn't go as planned."

There wasn't much in this world that could leave Bond speechless, but at that moment, he couldn't have spoken even if he'd had any clue what to say.

"I'm not so frightful, am I?"

Bond continued to stare at her.

"All right. Have a seat. I'll keep reading and you let me know when you're able to speak," said M, absently.

Bond did as he was told and sat down, partly so that he wouldn't fall down. He took a deep breath and focused on regaining his voice. He knew she wasn't there. He knew he was simply imagining her there. But, if his mind wanted her there, he could indulge it a little.


	3. Chapter 3

Bond sat there for a long time, thinking. True to her word, M didn't make a sound. She simply continued reading. Bond alternated between staring at her and staring out the window. No matter how he tried, he could think of nothing to say. Every new thing he thought of sounded more ridiculous than the last.

He began tapping his fingers on the edge of the chair. M glanced up at the noise then returned her attention to her book.

Finally, he could stand the silence no longer.

"You know, if anyone knew you were here, I could get sectioned," he said. He hoped his tone sounded flippant enough.

M didn't respond, merely nodded in agreement.

"And I can forget about ever seeing the field again."

"That's true," she replied.

She was beginning to irritate him, "since you're the one who keeps showing up uninvited and wanting me to talk, maybe you could help me out here a little. What is it you want me to say?"

M put the book down and leaned forward, giving him her full attention.

"You're doing just fine Bond. What did Mallory say?"

"Obvious, isn't it? He sent me back here."

"For the best. If you were out in the field in this state, you'd cock it all up. Probably get yourself killed at the very least."

Bond smirked at her, "it was always your way with words that let me know you loved me."

M suppressed a smile. Bond saw something catch her eye.

"You kept it."

Bond turned to see what she was seeing. The little, china bulldog. It was one of the few things sitting out in the place. When he had gotten home with it, he'd put it on the counter, ensuring he'd see it every time he left. Perhaps he was a bit sentimental after all, but only a bit.

"Well, you wanted me to have it. The least I could do was to take it, I suppose."

M stood up and walked over to the counter and picked up the dog. She smiled as she held it in her hands. Bond never took his eyes off of her.

"Besides, most of my things are still in storage. The place needed a bit of decorating," Bond continued.

"So, that's why I'm here? You want to go over that again? I did what I had to and you know that."

Bond did know. She'd always seen the big picture. She'd never been one to let her personal feelings get in the way of her duty. He'd always known this about her. Still, being on the receiving end of that ruthlessness caught him off guard. Rationally, he could tell himself all day that she had done the best she could with the situation, but that didn't mean it still didn't sting.

"No, you're not here for that. I know better than to expect an apology."

"And you don't want one, not really. Not anymore. You know that I trusted you. I never would have sent you after Silva if I didn't. I never would have put my life in your hands."

"Then perhaps the problem was that you trusted me too much."

"I never trusted easily, Bond. You stopped Silva. That's all that mattered."

Bond didn't reply. He wasn't looking at her anymore. He was staring down at his hands. He didn't want to have this conversation with her. He didn't want to look her in the eyes and admit that he'd failed her.

M set the dog down and went back to Bond. She sat down in the chair beside him with a sigh.

"Look at me."

Bond stubbornly did not.

"I said look at me, 007!"

Now he did.

"I knew that I could end up a casualty. It comes with the territory. It always has. Those are the sacrifices that you and I made. Those are the kind of sacrifices that I expect you to continue to make. There's a greater good at stake, Bond. That doesn't change because someone we care about gets caught in the crossfire."

She was using her stern voice that always got him to listen up. She was so sure of herself in these matters. They never got to her. They seemed to get to him a little too often.

Before he could respond, there was a knock at the door.

"Expecting company," M teased.

"No. Not at all," he said as he stood to answer the door.

He turned back to add, "Make yourself scarce, will you?"

"No one can see me but you, remember? And you've got a terrific poker face. I think I'll stay right here if it's all the same to you." She folded her arms and leaned back into the chair.

He smiled, a bit more genuinely this time.

"Yes, ma'am."

There was a knocking again. It was getting persistent.

Bond opened the door and Eve Moneypenny was on the other side.

**Author's Note: I keep forgetting to put these on the chapters, lol. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's been reviewing and following this story :) I adored Skyfall but the ending broke my heart (as I'm sure it did to many others). The relationship Bond had in the film with M and with Moneypenny were so intriguing to me that I couldn't let it end there. I hope you all continue to enjoy the story.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Moneypenny."

"Hi. I know that you probably don't want any company and I'm sure you don't want any comfort, but I was on my way home and out of nowhere I found myself here. So, since I'm here and I know you wouldn't send a woman back out into the cold, may I come in?"

Eve rushed the words out, afraid that he would tell her to leave. After how dejected he'd looked when he left MI6, she couldn't stop thinking about him coming home to an empty flat with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Bond wasn't yet comfortable with Mallory and M was no longer there to get him back on his feet, so she figured that it fell to her.

Bond, for his part, was a little surprised that she had bothered to come out and check on him. He had to admit to himself that it felt nice knowing that someone still cared enough to do so. He thought of M, still sitting in the chair. He didn't dare turn around to see if she was still there. He couldn't let Moneypenny know that anything was wrong. She'd take it back to Mallory. He wouldn't blame her for it.

He opened the door for her.

She took note of how bare everything was as she stepped inside.

"Not much of a decorator, are you?"

"You mean, it could use a woman's touch," Bond replied, shutting the door behind him.

Eve laughed. "No, not at all. Mine's not much better."

"Difficult to find the time in this line of work," he said.

He went back to his chair. M was still there, hands folded and watching him closely. He made sure to keep his attention on Moneypenny.

"There's that and just a general lack of interest. Why bother fixing up a place you barely use? Of course, now that I'm out of the field, I see it a lot more. I should at least get some paintings to hang or something."

She sat opposite him on the sofa.

Bond waited to see if Eve would notice M. She didn't. He waited to see if M would say anything. She didn't.

"Can I get you anything," he asked.

"Do you have anything?"

"No," he admitted.

Eve laughed again. Bond heard M snort beside him.

"So, what does James Bond do in his spare time?"

"I may not have much, but I do have a bed," he teased.

"Mr. Bond, you are insatiable," she replied, unfazed, "maybe some other time."

"Ah, you're just a tease. You'll only keep stringing me along. You'll never make an honest man out of me."

He could feel M's eyes on him at that. It was nice to know that even a hallucination of her could still chastise him with a single look.

"Darling, you know I only have eyes for you," said Eve.

Bond smiled, a genuine one. It encouraged Eve. Maybe she could get him to talk to her. Maybe he wouldn't completely shut down.

"Are you okay," she whispered.

Bond's smile disappeared immediately. He looked away from Eve and from M. From the moment he'd let her in, he knew it was only a matter of time before she asked him that. He thought that he had made it clear he wasn't going to talk about it.

"You let her in," M's voice broke through his thoughts.

Bond couldn't respond to her without alerting Eve, so he chanced a look at his former boss.

"What I mean is, you knew she was going to ask. You let her in anyway. Some part of you must want to talk to her."

Eve spoke next, "look, I don't expect you to cry on my shoulder or tell me all about your childhood or anything, I just…want to know if you're getting through this. I know how hard you tried to keep her alive. I know you were her favorite, even if she'd never say so. I know that you were as sentimental about her as she was about you. No matter how much of a heartless killer you are, losing her has to hurt."

"Come on, Bond. Talk to her. You never know, I may leave if you do," M urged.

Bond's throat felt tight. He remembered when he lost Vesper. The rage he felt was unlike anything he'd ever known. But, he was able make those responsible suffer that time. He was able to make them pay. By the time M had passed, there was no one left to punish. All the anger inside him had no outlet.

Eve was still looking at him expectantly. She seemed to be holding her breath. M had her gaze fixed on him as well. He swallowed thickly. "Of course it hurts."

Both M and Eve leaned forward.

He wanted to laugh again as the two women waited on baited breath for him to continue. He would have, if it wasn't so hard to even speak.

"She was…I let her down."

"Oh, James," said M, covering her face with her hands.

He expected Eve to protest, but she didn't. She remained silent, waiting for him to go on.

"I was so sure I could protect her and kill Silva. I should have watched her more closely. I shouldn't have sent her off without me. I shouldn't have taken her out there in the first place."

Eve slid down on the sofa, leaving a bare spot. She motioned for him to join her.

He crossed the space between them and sat down beside her.

"She wasn't ever supposed to be in danger. She should have never been targeted. She gave me orders, called me, spoke to me over the radio and I always knew that she was safe at MI6, where she belonged. I was never supposed to have to worry about her. Then, the one time she needed protecting, I couldn't do it."

Eve put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

"James, you did everything you could."

"Yes, I did. And it still wasn't enough. So, what does that say about me? What does that say about her judgment?"

He laughed bitterly, "All that time I was dead, I just kept thinking over and over that she should have trusted me. That I had always got the job done. I was so angry that she hadn't trusted me. When I got back, she showed me that she did. Turns out she was right to begin with."

He couldn't speak anymore. The words were stuck in his throat. His eyes were filled with tears but he refused to let them fall. He was 007. He didn't break in front of anyone.

"James," Eve leaned in and kissed his cheek. Then she rested her head on his shoulder. It felt good. He was finding that he liked having her near him like this. He took her hand in his and began stroking her palm.

"Most of my life, I've prided myself on being independent. I prefer being alone. I suppose I never realized that I depended on her."

He looked at M. Her eyes were full of sadness. He pulled Eve closer to him.

"It's not a weakness to depend on somebody," said Eve.

"No. But, it does leave you vulnerable."

Eve nods slowly against him. "We're still human. Sometimes, against our will, people get under our skin. Sometimes we can't help loving others."

Bond nodded in agreement, "Mm, despite our best intentions."

"Exactly."

She pulled back to look him in the eyes. She wasn't surprised to find unshed tears in them. He leaned in and kissed her. She didn't resist. He gently pulled her around so that she was on his lap. Eve started kissing his neck as he ran fingers through her hair. God, she felt so good. His pulse quickening, he began to unbutton her blouse. And, unlike their time in Shanghai, she didn't stop him. She began unbuttoning his shirt as well.

Bond happened to catch M's eyes. He had momentarily forgotten she was there and, startled, jerked away from Eve.

"I'm sorry," he said, sliding further away from her.

Ever tried not to be offended. "No, no, it's fine. I'll go."

She stood but Bond grabbed her arm to stop her. "No. It's not you."

Eve chuckled. "Really, I would expect better lines from you."

"I mean it." Bond stood to meet her gaze. He ran both hands up and down her arms.

"You were right. I lost M and it's gotten to me more than I've let on. I need to deal with that. But, I need to do it on my own. I will be alright. I will be. And, when I am, I'd like to call you."

Eve wondered if he was being genuine or not. She was no fool and everyone knew his reputation. In the end, she decided to trust him. "Alright."

He smiled at her and kissed her once more. Before she got to the door, she turned to him with a sly smile.

"Good night, Mr. Bond."

"Good night Ms. Moneypenny."

When he was alone, he steeled himself. What he had told Eve was true. And, even if it wasn't really M in the room with him, this was his last chance to speak with her. He needed to make it count. He turned around to face M one last time.

**Author's Note: This chapter went on much longer than I intended it to. I know the relationship between Bond and Moneypenny has historically always been about the UST, but Naomi Harris's Moneypenny is different. I hope they keep developing her in the next couple of movies because she's awesome. One more chapter to go. **


	5. Chapter 5

"James," said M, softly.

"Yes," his tone was equally soft.

"Come and sit down."

He sat down on the recently vacated sofa. M hesitated before taking both his hands in hers. Bond was surprised. She'd never been one to outwardly display affection like this. He looked down at their entwined hands and gave them a gentle squeeze.

"You do always make such a fuss over these things," said M.

Bond smiled fondly at her. "That's the M I love. Now, what am I gonna do without you?"

"You know how to go on, Bond. And you will go on. I have invested far too much time and effort into you for you to just give up."

"Why did you? Why me?"

Bond had always known that he was M's favorite agent. He got away with things that would have most agents fired or killed. She'd backed him time and time again. He'd never questioned why before. He had simply enjoyed the freedom that her favoritism had allowed him. He enjoyed knowing that whatever he'd gotten himself into, she would be there to get him out.

M sighed before answering him. "I suppose that I've always seen a little of myself in you. I could see from the start how much potential you had, how great you could be."

"I'm not sure if you're complimenting me or yourself."

They both laughed.

"Well, I was right in trusting you. I'm…I'm proud of you, James."

Deep down it didn't shock him that she was proud of him. Part of him knew that she was, but hearing her say it so plainly did take him of guard. "Thank you, ma'am."

"Perhaps, I made some mistakes. Giving up Silva like I did. I knew he trusted me with everything he had. I suppose I did betray that trust."

Admitting to any wrongdoing was also rare for M. At Skyfall, at her lowest, she had told him how much she'd screwed everything up. It was odd for him, having her confide in him as if she were only human.

"The choices you made, you always made trying to give the best possible outcome to the most amount of people. You never wavered on that. I do understand that. People are going to get hurt. Your job was to keep the casualty list as small as possible. And you did that better than most could."

M looked appreciative of his words. She squeezed his hands more tightly. The sensation grounded him and suddenly he didn't think he'd ever be ready to let go.

"I wouldn't be who I am today if you hadn't have been you," he finished, roughly.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you consider that a good thing or a bad thing?"

He shook his head, "I consider that…a necessary thing. I'm still alive because of you. Rogue sniper shots aside, that is."

She bowed her head and laughed again, only this time, Bond swore he heard her sob too.

"Are you all right," he asked her.

She shook her head, still not lifting her gaze.

He removed one of his hands from her and brought it to her chin.

"M," he whispered. Finally, she looked at him, eyes bright with tears that mirrored his own. "Forgive me," he finished.

"How can I when there's nothing to forgive? Hmm? Forgive yourself James. I may have done a very selfish thing in molding you the way I did. But, even so, I can't regret the agent you've become."

"Because regret is unprofessional," he reminded her.

"I've taught you well."

"That you have."

M took a deep breath and stood up, "for Queen and Country?"

He stood up to meet her and nodded, "for Queen and Country."

She reached out to shake his hand. He pulled her into an embrace instead. He held her like his life depended on it. The small act of comfort made him feel better than he had since before Turkey. He was grateful when her arms snaked around him. They stood like that for a few moments, silently taking each other in. It was as if Bond was trying to memorize the feel of her, knowing that he'd never see her again.

It was M who pulled away with some regret, "come now. Let's not be too dramatic, shall we?"

Bond nodded and let her go.

"You remember everything I taught you and you'll be fine. Just try not to embarrass the department too much."

Bond straightened up and smiled, "yes ma'am."

"Good man. Goodbye James."

Bond suppressed a shudder. This was it. "Goodbye M."

He blinked and she was gone. He was alone, as he always had been. He let a few tears fall and then wiped his eyes. It would be okay. She had been proud of him. He was her legacy and he'd be damned if he'd let her down.

With renewed purpose, he reached for the telephone and dialed Moneypenny.

The end

**Author's Note: I kind of rushed the last chapter out because I'm gonna be too busy to write this week and I didn't want to leave people hanging. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and followed this story. I hope the last chapter was satisfying.**


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